tracy337

I didn't realize that I had not updated here since I found out I was pregnant. Baby (Maddison) is now 6 months old and awsome,beautiful and just a joy to have. I did not get the VBAC I so wanted with all my heart and soul. I ended up choosing to have a sceduled c/section. I listened to my body and heart and did what I felt was best at the time. I had massive scar tissue due to the would seperation with Lilly I felt it would be best to get that taken care of. I will be writting a birth story in the next few days. Shouldn't be too long I promise. It was a very uneventull c/section and recovery (THANK GOD!) I have had some other stuff going on so I will try to get better at updating more often!

Its 3:05 AM and I am still awake. Unable to sleep, my heart is pounding and I am still shaky. I just found out 6 hours ago that I am pregnant. Don't get me wrong I am sooo thrilled but it was definitely not expected. Even though we didn't do anything this month to stop it and we knew there was a huge possibility with timing I still felt that it would take more then once. You know most healthy couples still take a few months. Nope not us we must be fertile as all get up. I know I am very blessed to get pregnant so easy and I have no complaints about that. So much healing has happened since Lilly's birth but now I feel like I am back in that place of OMG! What the hell am I going to do. I feel so vulnerable right now. After I took the test my fiance ran to the store while I took a shower. I lost it, broke down in tears. I still have so much fear that I thought I had dealt with and found a way to let it go as it is out of my control. I know if given the chance I CAN and WILL birth this baby. But there is still that nagging fear in the back of my mind I just can't shake. All the what if's. What if I do end up with another c/section and recovery is worse then last time.( I know it could be worse but just can't wrap my head around the thought of how much worse) Ok so if I let that fear control me and I just sign up for a scheduled c/section and I have the same problems where will I be then?? I won’t have "at least I tried' to keep me from totally loosing it. That is the only thing that kept me together with Lilly was at least I knew I tried my hardest. I have a long road ahead. My family is so not going to be supportive in anyway so they are all getting a false due date. I am planning on writing a letter to my mom and basically telling her if she can't be women enough to see I am and adult women capable of making choices for MYSELF that the pregnancy will be off limits to discussion.  I feel a little better I just needed to get my feelings out. We are so hoping for a boy this time. I love having my girls but I would love to have a little man around. My son is going to be 13 right before this baby is born so its been a long time since I have had a baby boy around. I have already found my MW and emailed her about making my first visit. And I already have an appointment to meet a local doula to be here too! Now I just need to find another one lol. Ahh my eyes are finally getting tired. Mabey having a release is what I needed.  I will definitly  be updating more now.

Hey there its been a while since I have really journaled mostly due to loosing my internet for about a month and a half and not having time when at familys house to really do anything here. But I am back now and excited.

I have started a new yahoo group for women who have had 2 or more c/sections and have the want/interest/desire to VBAC. I feel that higher order VBAC women may need more support and getting it from other women in the same process and hearing from women who have done it can be a big support! http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/VBAMC

So here I am back in the hospital alone. My finance had to head home to get my son off the school bus. They took me to my room and I was so happy to see one of my favorite nurses walk into my room and gave me a big hug. She asked me how I was and if there was anything she could do. I told her about me being out of meds and the poking a prodding they did to me with nothing to dull the pain. She was horrified. I also told her I needed to start pumping frequently so that I could keep my finance stocked up on milk as I had no idea how long I would be in the hospital. Within 5 minutes she was coming back with my meds in hand and a breast pump. I can honestly say that she is what made my stay somewhat tolerable. All the nurses with the exception of 1 were all awesome but this one far surpassed my expectations.

I was totally unprepaired to transfer to the hospital and had no bag packed for me or the baby, nothing. So here I was in labor with a 14 month old running around trying to get myself ready and my fiance is packing our bags and I had to look everything over to make sure he didn't forget anything I really needed. It took us about an hour to get out the door. I remember lifting my pregnant butt in to our high sitting Blazer before then next contraction hit and we were off.

Hmm ok thinking about where I left off. Ahhh yes the deception. After I found out that I had been flat out lied to repeatedly there was a fire in my that started me on the next part of my journey. I will no longer allow anyone to make my decitions for me.

After much thought I have decited to split this story into 4 parts. My journey with this pregnancy and birth was so full of emotions, learning, and discovery its going to be too long if I write it all at once. It is still so raw and emotional for me I don't think I could write it all at once as this is the first timre really writing it since the inital birth. I will say thing. No matter what I went through with this pregnancy and birth I will always love my daughter for she helped me learn so many things that I would have never known. And I thank god for her every day. She is my world and has been my biggest rock that has gotten me through the really rough times.

I forgot to add this in my last entry. The newest studies that have been done on VBAmC (Vaginal Birth after multiple c-sections) show that having more then 2 c-sections does NOT significantly increase your risk for rupture. Here is a mom who had 3 yes I said 3! C-sections and went on to have a wonderful beautful home birth after 3 C-sections. I will warn you now have tissues handy as it is a very powerful video!  VBAC can happen even if you have had many c-sections. Want to read more stories check out this site http://www.plus-size-pregnancy.org/CSANDVBAC/VBA2Cstories.htm there are many stories of VBA1C, VBA2C, VBA3C, VBA4C and even a VBA7C!!! 

Here is the link to the video of a homebirth after 3 c-sections!

<a href="http://www.onetruemedia.com/otm_site/view_shared?p=2a4e81fbf0f66accb8afce&skin_id=1009&utm_source=otm&utm_medium=text_url" target="_blank">Our Journey to Homebirth</a> <-- Click for the video

If you would like info or support please visit ICAN's website that also has an Elist throgh yahoo. www.ican-online.org

Summer is here! I am so happy to have the wonderful change in the weather. Being in Oregon it still gets rainy from time to time but still love it when the sun makes it appearance.  It has been a while since I have updated but thought it was time. I am currently working to help spread the word about ICAN. It is so important that women know the truth about how birth can be and that too many times a c-section is done with no real medical need. ICAN is devoted to helping in c-section education, recovery, support and VBAC info. There was a story on ABC last night that made many of us mad as they made it out to sound like the rising c-section rate was from moms requesting them. That is the sad thing about medical records is there is no one there to ensure the truth is put in the records. Too many women are denied the RIGHT to VBAC and it is then put in ther records that it was an elective, requested c-section.  We have a new addition to our family (extended family that is) One of my cousins had there first child and he is now the proud new dad to a baby girl! I was so happy for them and she is so beautiful! I know I need to write up Lilly's birth story and add it to my other 2 but things have been really busy here. So I am hoping in the next few days to get it up here. If you would like anymore info on ICAN please check out thier website. www.ican-online.org